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Seeds

~ II~ We moved every year when I was a child, oftentimes more than once a year. Part of this pattern was due to my mother's inability to resolve conflict, and another piece was my grandfather's strings of enabling on her. She moved several times when she was a child because her father was an active service member in the Army.  This meant that my mother could reinvent herself every time they moved, and it was usually across countries, so there was no trail of breadcrumbs for others to follow—no way for them to check her stories for accuracy. I spent my childhood hearing wild tales of adventure from my mother, and I was too young to question whether or not they were real or imagined.  That's the thing with inconsistency within one's self, people find ways to adapt to the lack of connection, and her way to seem more interesting than her peers was to make up wild stories each time they landed in a new country.  I began to question the wild stories that she told me at a youn...
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Apophenia at Dusk and Dawn

 ~I~ I have always heard that dreams are the brain's way of making sense of the waking world. Many people study the landscape of dreams in an attempt to decipher deeper meaning within them. What happens when you can no longer distinguish the dream world from reality? Right before both sunset and sunrise, there is a phenomenon that I have come to know as the 'blue world' where the opacity of reality stutters slightly and the shapes and colors of this world lean toward a question. Looking at dawn and dusk photographs, it is usually difficult to decipher which one is represented in the picture, but they feel different in reality. Perhaps it is a characteristic of how the light hits the human eye or a change in the spectrum that does not exist on a screen emitting a mere representation of nature.  If dawn is a doorway, then dusk is its mirror, and doorways are something humans of all ages have celebrated with ritual and superstition. Every day the sun is born as the night dies,...
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Some words on Baltasar Gracian

Cultivate those who can teach you. Let friendly intercourse be a school of knowledge, and culture be taught through conversation: thus you make your friends your teachers and mingle the pleasures of conversation with the advantages of instruction. Sensible persons thus enjoy alternating pleasures: they reap applause for what they say, and gain instruction from what they hear. We are always attracted to others by our own interest, but in this case, it is of a higher kind. Wise men frequent the houses of great noblemen not because they are temples of vanity, but as theatres of good breeding. There be gentlemen who have the credit of worldly wisdom, because they are not only themselves oracles of all nobleness by their example and their behavior, but those who surround them form a well-bred academy of worldly wisdom of the best and noblest kind. -- Baltasar Gracian -- Translated by JOSEPH JACOBS How can we best use these words of a man who lived in the 17th Cen...
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what are the chances  that you are just living to pay the bills what are the chances  that you keep making excuses that turn into bills are you setting up the jumps  for yourself or do you allow  the world to make the course
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The past can punch you when you least expect it

Some blue days can turn into blue months and blue years. That can be all right.  As long as you can see that colors can change. People change. People grow and bend and sometimes they break. You can only heal yourself, though. You can love someone deeply and truly and madly and they will never change. I think the trick is to love yourself that way. You will change. Mourn the loss of your former self and move on.
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Consequences

Everything you have done in your life has gotten you to where you are in this moment. Some moments are better than others. I am not sure if I believe in fate because of the buildup of consequence. How can fate play a role when you lay the plans out yourself?
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Blue Days

Depression is real. It's nasty and I do not like it. It is - however- part of my journey as is anxiety. I am not 'bipolar'. I am not a 'major depressive'. I do still have episodes of panic and my troubles with  Orienteering have gotten worse. 'They' have no idea what I am. I know that Yoga saved my life. If I had not  Pushed through and gotten my certification --  I may have given up on what it had to offer. Every day I am reminded of what I can do to try To help others with their struggles. One of my hopes is that I can understand what Some people go through. These struggles of life are not isolated. I do not think I would be the teacher I am now if It were not for the struggles endured along The way.
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