8 Folded Limbs

Many people have body identity disorders.  I knew it always existed --like the dust on the fridge coils-- but like everyone else -- I have ignored it.  That is both the case with myself and others.  I really thought it was a personal mountain to climb all of these years.  Lately, I have been doing some research on different body image disorders and have come to the conclusion that it is rampant not only in America, but other countries as well.  It is not just a female problem.  For generations, people have had a gross misunderstanding of what they 'should' look like and how they feel about the bodies that they do inhabit.  I am going to share a story with you from my child hood.  It is painful and it left a large scar not only on my heart but on the opening where I allow women to enter in as friends. In the second grade, I was invited to a birthday party at a classmates' home in the 'rich' area of town.  There were several kids there and I...

ॐ भूर्भुवः॒ स्वः । तत्स॑वितुर्वरे॑ण्यं । भ॒र्गो॑ दे॒वस्य॑ धीमहि। । धियो॒ यो नः॑ प्रचो॒दया॑त्॥  Oṃ bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ tát savitúr váreṇ(i)yaṃ bhárgo devásya dhīmahi dhíyo yó naḥ pracodáyāt Om Shanti.  Please Shanti.  Come Shanti.        Oṃ bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ tát savitúr váreṇ(i)yaṃ bhárgo devásya dhīmahi dhíyo yó naḥ pracodáyāt

I think we all go through periods of breaking open.   I have had several of them so far in my life.  I am not one to believe in fate, but there seems to be a pattern here.  It goes from focus to non-focus, and the focused parts are the hardest.  When I am focused on myself and what I am doing, everything in the outside world slows to  crawl and my heart races so fast it sounds like a horse.  The last thirteen months have been a breaking point to rival and ante up my breaking open of 2002-2004.  It is a bad trip, a hangover.  You never quite know when it will end. I have been through tears, anger, frustration and giving up.   Over a year of tests, doctor's visits and begging people to take me to them. Months of pleading with people to simply come over and ride with me in the car, so that I can drive a bit. My ideas about what it means to be alone in this world -- truly alone -- have gelled in the past year.  I am sure that a...