BreaKing OpeN

I think we all go through periods of breaking open.  
I have had several of them so far in my life.  I am not one to believe in fate, but there seems to be a pattern here.  It goes from focus to non-focus, and the focused parts are the hardest.  When I am focused on myself and what I am doing, everything in the outside world slows to  crawl and my heart races so fast it sounds like a horse.  The last thirteen months have been a breaking point to rival and ante up my breaking open of 2002-2004.  It is a bad trip, a hangover.  You never quite know when it will end.
I have been through tears, anger, frustration and giving up.  
Over a year of tests, doctor's visits and begging people to take me to them.
Months of pleading with people to simply come over and ride with me in the car, so that I can drive a bit.
My ideas about what it means to be alone in this world -- truly alone -- have gelled in the past year. 
I am sure that all of these experiences are not going to be bad in hindsight.  I am sure it is all part of my process.  I am sure that I will wake up one day and get in my car and drive.
I am sure.

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